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I am being vulnerable here today. I desperately love my children. I have a unique connection with each of them. But today has been very trying for me. My cognitively impaired daughter is not feeling well. Her response to that has been to spend the greater part of the morning screaming. I am certain that she is very frustrated by what she is feeling and her inability to adequately express her feelings and her needs to us---she is non verbal. But for me that has been a major drain on my patience and my emotions and my tolerance....etc. Now lets add to this scenario by having a visit from Licensing for my home day care and then my older children are home from school and one of them is dragging out a 20 minute assignment to two hours. I snapped. I couldn't take it and I lashed out in anger at my kids for which I regret but the deed has been done. I feel like a complete failure. Looking back I realize I was justified in my frustration with my son but not justified in the manner that I responded to my frustration. I cannot motive this kid! I can pile on consequences and take away privileges but he doesn't seem to care or be motivated by anything. Can't figure it out. Then of course being angry at Sarah produces no good. So in general I transferred that anger on the boys in my manner of interacting with them this morning. I have apologized. I have no problem doing that. My kids have heard me apologize often enough to know I am human, not perfect and when I wrong someone I recognize the need to make amends. I don't think that just because I am a parent I don't owe them an apology when I do something wrong...which I did. I have no excuse. I am just frustrated. And the sad thing is I don't think there is anyone I know who can relate. Of course my Lord knows and has endured much more frustration than even this and must be very frustrated with ME even now. I blew it. This is a bad mommy moment. I need a time out and that is going to be a 3 mile run while the kids nap. Hopefully that will help. At this point I think forgiving myself and moving on is the most difficult thing. Seems the kids have already forgiven me. Timothy thanked the Lord for me in his naptime prayers....so what is holding me back??

UPDATE---so it is amazing what prayer can do. Its humbling and its refreshing and it reminds me God knows and understands all my frsutrations and my needs and He is in control. And 3 miles of jogging to burn off those frustrations. And reading about perspective from someone who knows. The truth is that as mommies we face many annoying and trivial crisis and days that can feel like drudgery. But I think that when I loose it and am annoyed like I was today it happens because I am being too ME focused instead of God focused. Tomorrow is a new day, with no mistakes in it...yet.