When the Truth Hurts
Yesterday I took Sarah to a Mommy and Me event at our church. I was very excited about this because it was our first time doing something like this together. I expected she might not be able to do everything but still it would be great fun--Mom and daughter time. Can you see the visions forming in my mind?? The event was quite nice. Pretty decorations and a couple fun games and cute craft. Yummy dessert. Very girly. On this particular evening, however, Sarah was demonstrating the extremely active side of herself. At one point even gave her infamous shriek of upset. I am still not sure why it happened--did she bump her chin on the table or was she just mad? She calmed relatively quickly but it still added to my growing embarrassment. And then in a moment of stupidity I let her wander off to where I thought she was safe to play. She was still in the same room. I couldn't see her but I assumed I knew all she could get into. Wrong! She pulled a vase of flowers down and water went everywhere! Thankfully the vase did not break but more embarrassment. Now I have a mess to clean up AND have publicly displayed my mommy inadequacy in front of many other moms. Can it get worse? I traveled back and forth between the mess and the kitchen and cleaned it up trying not to be disappointed. This was not part of my blissful vision! Of course I had the quiet ride home to mull over the events because now Sarah was tired and just sat in her chair sucking her two most favored fingers. I got home and Sandor was anxious to ask how it went. And I told him. "I shouldn't have gone. It was just a painful reminder that I have a retarded child. And everyone saw what a bad mom I am." Open the floodgates.....
It is true. I do have a retarded child. I am o.k. with that. But sometimes that truth does hurt. The interesting thing is that I really thought I had moved beyond that point. Maybe not as far as I thought and hoped. But there are always lessons to be learned from moments like this. Was I trying too hard to be "normal" when I am not?? Did I set unrealistic expectations for myself and for Sarah? Maybe.
Sandor reminded me of all the wonderful things Sarah can do and all the amazing ways she continues to surprise us! And pointed out that perhaps we should try again...in a few years. Perhaps we will....
It is true. I do have a retarded child. I am o.k. with that. But sometimes that truth does hurt. The interesting thing is that I really thought I had moved beyond that point. Maybe not as far as I thought and hoped. But there are always lessons to be learned from moments like this. Was I trying too hard to be "normal" when I am not?? Did I set unrealistic expectations for myself and for Sarah? Maybe.
Sandor reminded me of all the wonderful things Sarah can do and all the amazing ways she continues to surprise us! And pointed out that perhaps we should try again...in a few years. Perhaps we will....
posted by Heather | 5/01/2006 11:01:00 AM
3 Comments:
Heather, I don't know what to say so I'll just give you a hug. ((Heather))
C.
Thanks Cheryl.
Sometimes words aren't necessary.
Sometimes I just need that hug for support.
Here's a hug from Mom too. Actually I would add a comment that sometimes my kids without challenges embarrassed me and didn't do what I expected for something special. It doesn't change what your challenges are with Sarah but challenges come in different forms for all our children. I think just being a mom qualifies you for a get out of embarassment free pass. Also sometimes when we have accepted things the way they are we regress to the point where we have to reaccept things. I still have many moments where I wish many things could have been different but I try not to stay there because it makes me discontented. I look around this house and see the great things about it even though it isn't made of logs and sitting on 12 acres of land with woods. I remember that I can see my children and grandchildren right now. But houses are a lot different than our kids but I think you get my drift. Someone sent me a little thing about how when a silversmith crafts a peice that he holds it in the fire and to make it right he has to watch it the whole time it is in the fire. He knows the impurities are out and that it is finished when he sees his image in it. Is that a little like our trials? How precious to think that as we go through them God is constantly watching over us and when we have come through He can see Himself in us. You are a very good mother and I'm so happy to be yours.
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